


There's strength in honesty

by sugarandspace



Series: 3B fics [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (in the past), Angst, Communication, Episode: s03e11 Lost Souls, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Supportive Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 09:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17979143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: “You can’t keep things inside, Magnus. I know how dark place one’s head can be, and feeding off of the type of feelings you must be feeling, those dark thoughts get bigger fast. No one is going to fight them off alone, no matter how much they want to avoid feeling weak.”





	There's strength in honesty

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to my best to write something positive, and for me that meant C O M M U N I C A T I O N.

Magnus’ hands are cold. It’s a common occurrence these days, when he can no longer feel the constant buzz of magic under his skin. That’s why he finds himself sitting in front of the fireplace in Alec’s office while he waits for him to finish the debrief.

Magnus had excused himself to Alec’s office, claiming that he was tired, when in reality he couldn’t stay there and watch while another warlock portalled Iris to the Gard. He didn’t want to hear them speaking about all that had gone down tonight. He wanted to forget.

Defending his right to be a part of the mission had been humiliating, seeing for the first time how the others truly did see him as weak now, as someone who would be at risk while being a part of a mission. He had been adamant that he could help, that he could still be useful, and this is how the night had turned out. He’d had no real means to defend himself against Iris, and he’d had no ways to escape from her. Being surrounded by a wall of magic with no powers of his own had been its own kind of torture. 

It had been a reality check, one that left Magnus feeling defeated. 

Magnus has moved the chair as close to the fireplace as possible, soaking up the warmth with outstretched hands. He tries to focus on the warmth, ignoring the smell of burning wood that reminds him of the memories that Iris had dug up earlier.

_ The burning forest. Bodies all around him. Blood on his hands - red and warm and slick. _

No. 

Alexander’s office. Warmth. Comfort. 

He closes his eyes slowly, mentally cursing what he has become.

He misses how things used to be. He misses what he used to be. Misses the days when he was able to protect others and when he was able to help.

He misses how it felt like, to have his body full of magic. 

His body feels unfamiliar now. It’s weak and hollow and cold. He reaches his hands closer to the fire, feeling the heat of it more intensely. 

It almost feels like magic. Like a ball of red magic aimed at anyone who tries to hurt him or those he cares about. His most reliable way of protection. 

When he reaches closer it almost feels like he’s holding a ball of magic in his fingertips.

“What are you doing?!”

Magnus is brought back to reality by Alec’s frantic words, and a hand pushing him back against the back of the chair, away from the fire. 

Magnus looks at him, still a bit out of it, but Alec’s attention is on Magnus’ hands. He holds Magnus’ wrists gently as he turns them over, and Magnus can see that his palms are bright red. It’s odd, how he can still feel the heat even when he’s no longer near the fire.

A small noise of hurt escapes Alec, and Magnus looks at him again, where he’s kneeling on the floor next to the chair. 

“What were you thinking?” Alec asks, and his words hold no anger. The tone is closer to despair, and it breaks Magnus’ heart.

“It felt like magic,” Magnus says, letting the words escape his mind that’s slowly catching up with the situation.

Alec looks up at him then, his eyes so sad Magnus has to look away. 

“Magnus,” Alec says but Magnus doesn’t look at him. Can’t, because he doesn’t know what to say to reassure Alec that he’s fine. He doesn’t want Alec to see that he is as broken as everyone thinks he is.

“Look at me.”

Alec’s words are soft, patient, but Magnus keeps looking at the fire. He thinks about what happened, about how his yearning for things to be like they used to be had almost left him with burnt skin. How the pain he feels inside is growing in intensity, not going away as he’d told himself it would. Things weren’t going to get better by pretending that he was fine, and pushing away those who care about him wasn’t the way either.

He looks at Alec. Magnus’ expression is guarded but he’s ready to try, because he can’t just wait for the day when all these things are going to suffocate him.

“Hey,” Alec says, smiling a little. “Do you want to come over there with me?”

Alec is nodding towards the couch in the office, and Magnus nods, letting Alec pull him up and lead him to sit down there. Magnus doesn’t know if the relocating was because of Alec’s uncomfortable kneeling position, or because of his desire to get Magnus further away from the fire. He assumes it’s probably a bit of both.

They sit on the couch, and Alec turns his body towards Magnus. Magnus keeps his eyes on his lap, where his hands lay. They are back to their normal color now, and the coldness is starting to creep back. Another thing that’s normal now.

“You are not fine,” Alec says, his honest words causing Magnus to take a deep breath. He isn’t, and it’s starting to be obvious that he hasn’t been able to fool Alec.  

“I’m not,” he admits, and it’s easier to say than he imagined. He felt like maybe saying it out loud would make it more real, but instead it’s like taking a weight off of his shoulders. He’s not fine, and he doesn’t need to try to convince Alec that he is anymore.

“I know it must be difficult, I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but I wish you would talk to me,” Alec says, his hand resting on Magnus’ thigh gently. “I want to know if there’s anything I could do, to make it any easier to you.”

Magnus looks at Alec’s hand and slides his own to rest on top of it, intertwining their fingers and keeping Alec’s hand there. Letting him know that the touch is welcome. He’s letting the heat of Alec’s hand warm his palm, a gentler warmth this time. “So many things have changed now, I don’t want everything to change.”

“You fear that things will get different between us, if you show me how much this is affecting you?” Alec asks, guessing right. “My love for you won’t change, no matter what we go through. You won’t drive me away by needing me, Magnus. I can wait, if you need some time to figure things out on your own first.  But I don’t want to find you standing on an edge of a bridge one day.”

It’s a harsh wake up call, and Magnus is startled to notice that it isn’t an unreasonable thing for Alec to fear. He’s feeling low, and he has felt like this before. Different reasons but similar feelings, and he can’t say with certainty that there isn’t a possibility that he would end up in a similar position again. He’d want to say that, but he can’t.

“I don’t want that either,” he says, looking at Alec to show him that he’s being honest. He wants to feel better, he just doesn’t know how.

“You can’t keep things inside, Magnus.” Alec says. “I know how dark place one’s head can be, and feeding off of the type of feelings you must be feeling, those dark thoughts get bigger fast. No one is going to fight them off alone, no matter how much they want to avoid feeling weak.” 

“It’s not easy for me,” Magnus says, trying to explain. “Letting people in, showing weakness. Keeping a strong front is what’s gotten me to the position I am in now - well, the position I used to be in.”

“You are not weak. You went to Edom and talked to your father and you came back with what you went to get from there. You paid the biggest price of it, but you’re trying your best not to let it affect you. But Magnus, it should affect you. Something like that doesn’t happen without leaving a mark. It will take time to feel okay again, and you’re allowed to mourn.” Alec’s words are so well thought, Magnus doesn’t know if it’s another one of those moments when his boyfriend just magically knows the right words, or if all these things are things that Alec has been thinking about, waiting for the moment Magnus would show him that he’s ready to talk.

“I don’t want you to think that I regret my decision,” Magnus says. And it’s true. He misses his magic, misses it with an intensity he’s rarely missed anything in his long life. There are plenty of things he would give to have it back, but given the chance, he wouldn’t go back in time to undo the decision he had made. 

“You were afraid that if I saw that you miss your magic I would feel guilty?” Alec asks. “It’s making me feel worse when I see that you’re hurting but you won’t let me in.”

Magnus doesn’t miss the way Alec lets the first sentence hang, how he doesn’t deny feeling guilt for the situation. But Magnus supposes he’s right with the second one. There’s nothing they can do to fix the situation, but trying to work through it. And Magnus knows that he’s not able to do it on his own.

“When things get crazy, don’t push me away. You said those words to me once, and I want to repeat them back to you. I’m here, for whatever you need, and you don’t need to pretend when you’re with me.” Alec’s desire to help is clear in his words, his expression, and the way his other hand comes to cover their hands.

The hand sandwiched between the both of Alec’s is warm, while the one left alone in his lap is still feeling cold. It might be a silly thing to count as a sign, but very few things make sense in Magnus’ life right now. 

He wants to feel better. And while there won’t be a miracle cure for his situation, and Alec can’t possibly understand what he’s going through, talking about it is a step to the right direction. Keeping a strong front is what made him the powerful leader he used to be, but keeping things inside and letting them eat at him was what once led him to a bridge, his eyes looking down at the water below. 

Asking for help isn’t easy, and accepting the fact that he needs it is even harder. But he wants to work towards being better, and he knows he’s going to need help for that. He doesn’t need to let the weight of the situation crush him under, when there’s a willing pair of ears next to him, ready to listen what Magnus has to say. His mind is already beating him down for it, and he knows that Alec’s reaction will be far from similar. 

Magnus has lost a lot of abilities lately, but maybe it’s time to learn a new one.

“I don’t feel at home in my own body.”

So he talks. He talks and he gets angry and he gets sad. But Alec is there, and he listens, and he holds Magnus when Magnus feels like he’s breaking. The closeness is a comfort again, when Magnus doesn't need to worry about keeping a front. When he doesn’t need to fear that being vulnerable will get him more hurt.

It is painful, to talk about these things, but as more things pour from his mouth, his head gets a bit clearer. Alec doesn’t have solutions to offer, but Magnus doesn’t expect him to. What he needs is someone to listen to him, and someone to be there, even when he is showing this side of himself. This is not the High Warlock Alexander got feelings for, but this is the Magnus he fell in love with, the most rawest version of him he has seen. Maybe the rawest version of himself Magnus has ever shown anyone.

It’s scary, but it also feels right. To have someone he can trust so completely, it’s a new feeling to Magnus. But it’s a feeling he cherishes, a feeling that makes him feel safe like few things do nowadays. 

They talk late into the night, and when Magnus is about to fall asleep - both physically and mentally drained - Alec leads him to his old room in the Institute and they sleep. Magnus wakes up to a nightmare, a memory of death and sorrow, but instead of getting up and isolating himself, he burrows closer to Alec, who wakes up enough to wrap his arms around Magnus, the action more of a reflex than a conscious thought. 

And Magnus is able to fall back asleep.   

It’s a start.

**Author's Note:**

> I fought with this one for quite a long time, and I'm curious to hear what you think? :)
> 
> [I also regularly scream on tumblr, please join me](https://www.sugarandspace.tumblr.com)


End file.
